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*Since you all love torturing the producers with a fundraiser and a petition no one notified us about, here it is

H.I.L.T. Sitcom Special (Ep. 3/3) – “The Team Building Retreat”

[Cold Open] Kapaar: “Explosions build memories!” Kiln: “There will be neither.” Kezen: “I brought raven bones.” Ghar’kaan: “I brought a shovel.” Harth: “I don’t know how tents work.”

Scene 1: Setting Up Camp

Kezen aligns tents with ley lines. Kapaar lights the fire via flaming skull. Ghar’kaan returns from the woods with logs and a Ghost. Kiln uses his armor as a windbreak. Harth builds shelter from flowers and hope.

Scene 2: Trust Fall

Kapaar flips into a swamp. Kezen levitates. Ghar’kaan lets Harth fall
 then helps him up. Kiln doesn’t fall. Harth catches everyone, again. Except Kapaar.

Scene 3: Campfire Confessions

Kapaar: “Hive relic was not a spice rack.” Kezen: “I always improvise rituals.” Kiln: “I don’t sleep. I pause.” Ghar’kaan: “I named a Thrall. Susan.” Harth: “Sometimes
 I dream of being a lamp.”

Final Scene: Group Photo

Kapaar trips. Fire. Kezen overexposes the shot. Kiln is flawless. Ghar’kaan mid-blink—on purpose. Harth hugs them all.

Caption: “Best. Retreat. Ever?”

H.I.L.T. Sitcom Special (Ep. 4/?) – “The Tower Talent Show”

Transcript from the first—and last—Vanguard-hosted inter-fireteam showcase.

[Cold Open]

Kapaar: “If this doesn’t end in fire, I’ve failed.”

Kiln: “You already have.”

Kezen: “I enchanted the judges’ chairs. They now sense lies.”

Ghar’kaan: “I’m judging. I have notes.”

Harth’noak: “
I made friendship bracelets.”

Scene 1: Rehearsals

Kapaar practices a flamethrower ballet. Two Ghosts leave the room.

Kezen levitates with synchronized candle choreography.

Kiln does not rehearse. He simply exists with intensity.

Ghar’kaan watches everyone and writes things like “emotional overreach: 6/10.”

Harth makes puppets out of old Hive bones. They’re adorable. Horrifying. Both.

Scene 2: The Show Begins

Kapaar opens with “The Gospel Shuffle.” Accidentally sets the curtain on fire.

Kezen’s act involves string theory, chanting, and one very confused Finch.

Kiln walks on stage, stares into the crowd
 the room claps anyway.

Ghar’kaan skips performing, hijacks the AV system to stream everyone’s embarrassing training footage.

Harth gets a standing ovation for his puppet duet with a plush Thrall named “Lil’ Growl.”

Final Scene: Results

Kezen wins “Most Mysterious.”
Kapaar wins “Biggest Insurance Claim.”
Kiln wins “Most Likely to Intimidate Without Trying.”
Ghar’kaan declares herself the only real judge.
Harth receives a gold star and cries.

The stage collapses when Kapaar returns for an encore.

Caption: “Fireteam H.I.L.T.: Not banned
 but strongly discouraged.”

H.I.L.T. Sitcom Special (Ep. 5/?) – “Ghar’kaan’s Birthday (No, She Did Not Ask For This)”

Footage redacted by three Tower departments and one Awoken archivist.

[Cold Open]

Kapaar: “So what do you get the sniper who already hates everything?”

Kezen: “A soulbound candle.”

Kiln: “A quiet day.”

Harth’noak: “A card
 with hugs.”

Ghar’kaan (from a dark corner): “I heard all of that.”

Scene 1: The Planning

Kapaar insists on fireworks.

Kezen designs a cake that glows and whispers.

Kiln refuses to participate but ends up adjusting the feng shui.

Harth bakes a “feelings loaf.” No one is sure what that means.

Ghar’kaan snoops through all of it and sighs dramatically at least six times.

Scene 2: The Surprise

Everyone yells “Surprise!”
Ghar’kaan blinks once. Says nothing.
Kapaar sets off a confetti bomb. It explodes sideways.
Kezen sings a chant in minor key.
Kiln lights the cake using pure will.
Harth gives her a flower made of shield fragments.

Scene 3: Gift Exchange

Kapaar gives her a custom flamethrower sight labeled “Just in Case.”
Kezen gives her a glowing eye dropper called “Clarity Extract.”
Kiln gives her a book titled “Inner Stillness for Outer Violence.”
Harth gives her a hand-drawn comic titled “You’re Not Scary To Me.”

Ghar’kaan smiles. Slightly.
Then deletes the moment from the security feed—but not her memory.

Final Scene: Group Screenshot

Ghar’kaan stands in the middle, eyes half-lidded.
Everyone else is grinning awkwardly.
The cake is on fire. The couch is missing.

Caption: “Best. Birthday. Never again.”

Crossover Special: H.I.L.T. x Bravo-7 – “Operation: Mismatched Roommates”

Footage from Vanguard’s most catastrophic team-building program. Immediately sealed. Title chosen by Zakk and Kapaar, against better judgment.

[Cold Open] – Team Assignments

Ikora: “We’re pairing each of you with someone from another fireteam to build trust.”

Kapaar: “I call shotgun on the guy with the dice!”

Yerk Vega: “I feel
 unsafe.”

Ghar’kaan: “If anyone touches my sniper, I touch their soul.”

Vanessa: “Wait, is this a sleepover?! I brought stickers!”

Everyone else: regret intensifies.

Scene 1: The Pairings

Scene 2: The Shared Tower Bunkroom

Kapaar rigged the lights to flicker like “cinematic tension.”

Vanessa tapes a poster of a ghost octopus over Kiln’s meditation wall.

Zakk fills Kezen’s tea cabinet with sarcastic labeled vials like “Definitely Not Hemlock.”

Kezen replaces Zakk’s pillow with a summoning rune.

Harth gifts everyone hand-sewn sleeping masks. No one knows when he did that.

Scene 3: “Group Trust Activity”

Kapaar proposes combat charades. “If you can’t guess it, it explodes!”

Kaniss builds a trap maze to simulate “interpersonal tension.” Ghar’kaan disarms it blindfolded.

Zakk tries to emotionally outwit Kiln. Kiln stares. Wins.

Vanessa hosts a drawing session. Harth draws his feelings. Kapaar draws a flamethrower hugging a flower.

Kezen performs a bonding ritual. Accidentally summons a Thrall puppy. Everyone unanimously adopts it.

Final Scene: Debrief

Zavala: “So
 What did we learn?”

Kapaar & Vega (in unison): “NEVER SPLIT THE ROOM AGAIN.”

Kezen: “One of them drank my soul-syrup.”

Zakk: “It was labeled ‘delicious pain.’ I was curious.”

Kiln: “I’ve found peace. In silence. Far away.”

Vanessa: “Look! I bedazzled the evaluation forms!”

Ghar’kaan: “
I didn’t kill anyone. So technically, success.”

Harth: “I named the puppy ‘Chaos Hug.’”

Caption: “Operation: Mismatched Roommates – 2% productive. 98% unforgettable.”

Bravo-7 Sitcom Special (Ep. 1) – “Zakk Ruins Movie Night”

Footage from the Common Room Surveillance Archive. All sarcasm is intact.

[Cold Open]

Vanessa: “It’s movie night! I brought popcorn, pillows, and twelve films with good vibes!”

Zakk: “Perfect. I brought an obscure, emotionally devastating Void documentary. In French.”

Dannie (walks in, sunglasses on): “If I hear one violin swell, I’m setting the couch on fire.”

Kaniss: “
Do we have to be here?”

Vega: “I made nachos shaped like tiny Ghosts!”

Harlo-9: “The couch smells like melted optimism.”

Scene 1: The Setup

Vanessa dims the lights and throws threadling plushies everywhere.
Zakk plugs in his laptop. It’s already in grayscale.
Kaniss wires in a failsafe so she can shut off the power remotely.
Dannie sharpens three throwing knives and calls it “entertainment insurance.”
Vega burns the first batch of nachos. Blames the oven. He built the oven.
Harlo rewires the speakers to play backup audio from Volume 12: Ship Explosions.

Scene 2: The Screening Begins

Zakk narrates the film before it starts. Loudly.
Vanessa tries to shush him, then live-tweets her own shushing.
Harlo swaps the audio channel. Now every dramatic scene features explosions.
Dannie falls asleep with one eye open.
Kaniss hacks the projector mid-film. Puts up a live feed of spider cams.
Vega flips a coin every time someone says “existential.” It hits the ceiling fan.

Final Scene: Chaos Erupts

Zakk: “This next part is symbolically devastating—”

Kaniss cuts the power.

Vanessa lights a glowstick and yells “EMERGENCY VIBES!”

Dannie wakes up mid-roll, throws a knife into Zakk’s popcorn.

Vega restarts the oven. It explodes glitter.

Harlo uploads a backup of the film to all Ghosts. They rebel.

Caption: “Movie night: 0 stars. 10/10 would do it again.”

Bravo-7 Sitcom Special (Ep. 2) – “Kaniss Locked Herself in the Lab Again”

Broadcast was mostly static. Some of it was spider-web footage.

[Cold Open]

Vanessa: “Kaniss? You in there?”

Kaniss (through wall): “No.”

Zakk: “That’s a yes.”

Dannie: “I give it four hours before the hallway smells like ozone and guilt.”

Vega: “Should we
 help?”

Harlo-9: “Define ‘help.’”

Scene 1: The Problem

Kaniss activated every lockdown protocol.
Zakk tried to override it, got sprayed with Arc static.
Vanessa wrote her a motivational poem and slid it under the door. It caught fire.
Dannie tried blowing it open. The door hissed.
Vega knocked politely and was webbed to the ceiling.
Harlo tried reason. The door played spider sounds in response.

Scene 2: The Lab Interior (from Spider Cam footage)

Kaniss is surrounded by arc traps, notes, and a whiteboard that reads “Trust No One With Snacks.”
She’s building something. It’s humming.
Her Ghost is hiding in a drawer.
A threadling plushie is now a capacitor.
There’s a mug that says “I Don’t Talk, I Trap.”

Scene 3: The Intervention

They write a group message: “We miss you. Also, you’ve been in there 31 hours.”

Kaniss replies with blueprints of a web launcher.
Vanessa offers to braid her hair through the door.
Zakk offers to “cause a distraction using irony.”
Dannie lights fireworks outside the vent.
Harlo unlocks the door manually. Only H.I.L.T. blueprints are inside. Kaniss is gone.

Final Scene: She’s on the Roof

Kaniss returns through the window like she never left.
Sits silently. Eats the remaining nachos.

Vanessa: “Wait
 you were on the roof the whole time?!”

Kaniss: nods slowly

Zakk: “Respect.”

Caption: “Next time: roof sensors.”

Bravo-7 Sitcom Special (Ep. 3) – “Vanessa Throws a Sleepover” (Nobody Else Agreed To That)

Originally documented in twelve scrolls and seventeen selfies.

[Cold Open]

Vanessa: “It’s happening! I’ve got snacks, movies, matching pajamas, and ghost story prompts!”

Kaniss: “I thought this was a meeting.”

Dannie: “I only showed up for the food.”

Zakk: “I was promised mischief.”

Vega: “We could make matching necklaces!”

Harlo-9: “I am
 confused. But accepting.”

Scene 1: Room Setup

Vanessa covers the room in octopus fairy lights.
Everyone gets a blanket with their own embroidered name.
Zakk secretly swaps the snacks for ones that “taste like consequence.”
Kaniss builds a motion trap under her pillow.
Vega glues googly eyes to the soda cans.
Dannie rigs the fridge to launch cookies.
Harlo installs a backup fridge.

Scene 2: Sleepover Begins

They tell ghost stories.

Vanessa’s is dramatic. Has a plot twist.
Zakk’s ends with “and the monster
 was *you.”*
Kaniss simply stares. Lights flicker.
Vega tells a sweet one. No one expected to cry.
Dannie tells a story about a haunted ramp. Everyone laughs until it turns out to be real.
Harlo’s story is just the time he fixed the Tower wiring blindfolded. Terrifying.

Scene 3: Chaos Unfolds

Pillow fight breaks out.
Vanessa dual-wields with Strand threadling launchers.
Zakk throws glitter bombs.
Kaniss reroutes the HVAC to blow feathers everywhere.
Dannie launches a cookie at Vega. He catches it in his mouth.
Harlo tries to calm everyone. Gets buried in pillows. Stays there.

Final Scene: Sleep

Everyone’s passed out in a web of blankets, pillows, and glowing ghost plushies.
Kaniss is perched in a ceiling corner. Still awake.
Vanessa grins in her sleep. A threadling hugs her cheek.
Zakk holds a pillow labeled “Cynicism.”
Dannie’s boot is stuck in the ceiling light.
Vega sleeps with a smile.
Harlo glows gently.

Caption: “Success. Technically.”

Bravo-7 Special Episode – “Kapaar Invades (Everything is Flammable Now)”

Security logs corrupted. Floor three is permanently labeled “Hazardously Charismatic.”

[Cold Open]

Zakk: “Hey
 why is the carpet smoking?”

Dannie: “There’s a flamethrower-shaped silhouette in the wall.”

Kaniss: “A glyph just lit up in my hallway.”

Vanessa: “You guys
 this burn mark looks like a *smiley face.”*

Vega: “We’re being invaded. With style.”

Harlo-9: “It’s Kapaar. I recognize the bootprint. And the yelling.”

Kapaar (offscreen): “WHAT’S UP, FANCY NERDS?!”

Scene 1: The Arrival

Kapaar kicks down the common room door. There’s no reason. It was unlocked.
He hugs Vega. Hard. Vega drops his nachos.
Zakk pulls Vanessa behind the furniture like it’s war.
Kaniss activates her Arc tripwire web. Kapaar jumps through it mid-backflip and yells “S’ALMOST A MASSAGE!”
Harlo pulls the fire alarm. It laughs at him.
Vanessa tries to offer cookies. They catch fire from proximity.

Scene 2: “Helping” Around the Apartment

Scene 3: The Final Mistake

Kapaar: “Who wants a FLAMING DICE GAME?!”

Zakk: “NO—”

Vega: “YES—”

Vanessa: “Wait, what even is the game?”

Kapaar: “You roll! And if it lands on ‘Explosion,’ we all cheer!”

They roll.
It lands on Explosion.
They cheer.
The couch combusts. Everyone runs.

Final Scene: Debrief

Everyone’s outside in pajamas.
The apartment is intact, somehow glowing with green flame.
Kapaar salutes, throws a sparkler, and jumps off the balcony yelling “BRAVOOOO-SEVEEEEEEN!”

Silence.

Kaniss: “I’m banning him from the power grid.”

Zakk: “He reset my sarcasm reserves. I’m
 speechless.”

Vanessa: “
That was amazing.”

Dannie: “Let’s never talk about this again.”

Vega: “We should visit his place next time!”

Harlo: “Absolutely not.”

Caption: “Kapaar was never officially invited. He just *is.”*

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